Sunday, June 3, 2012

feeling like

a wiener.

So there's this thing that happens to me sometimes.
Actually, it happens much more often than it should.

Friends I knew get married.
They invite me to their wedding reception.
I get all excited to see them.
And then I start to think.
I start to think too much.

Most of my friends who have gotten married are friends I haven't seen in a very long time.
So I start to think that maybe they invited me as more of a courtesy.
They couldn't be as excited to see me as I am to see them.

There's this thing called I have a hard time making friends.
There's another thing called, when I'm separated from my best friends, it's rare if I ever make new ones.
But my old best friends make new best friends, and hardly speak to me ever again.

Of course, people grow apart as life changes. It's only natural.

But while these friends I've grown apart from grow closer to others,
I only grow further apart.

I tell myself I don't have a place in their lives anymore.
Sometimes we've changed so much that we can't relate to each other.

I tell myself, I don't know any of their new friends, and I probably don't even know them anymore.
Only awkwardness could ensue, mostly on my part.

I am the worst at reunions.

So I end up thinking and thinking and thinking, until I think myself right out of going to the reception.
Later I see pictures, and wish so badly that I had been there.
Even just for a minute.

I get to feeling down on myself.
Why did I have to think so much?
Why did I let me convince myself that I didn't belong there?

Yesterday was such an occasion, but with a bit of a twist.
Friends of Kameron's from high school were having their wedding reception.
It was something of an awkward situation between the three of them for a bit, but Kameron made it clear to me in his letters that he felt it was silly for it to be awkward between them any longer. He urged me to attend the reception for his sake.

This time it would be even easier to talk myself out of going because I had never had any close, personal connection to either of his friends, and it had always been awkward for me, mostly just because of who I am. But they're Kameron's friends, and he asked that I go in his stead.

I imagined myself in scenarios at the wedding reception. I imagined myself being happy and smiling a warm smile at the newlywed couple, saying hello and maybe even snapping a quick photo to send to Kameron. And I imagined away, quite happily.

I had determined to go.

Half an hour prior to the start of the reception, I dressed myself appropriately and was ready to go. It wasn't even far, maybe 6 blocks from my house, I could walk there if I had to. But as I stared at the clock and the time to leave drew nearer I retreated into myself, imagining how awkwardly I would  behave in reality. I've never been poised in social situations, and to imagine myself as such was wishful thinking.

In this sort of situation I could be awkward to the point where it caused me physical pain, not to mention emotional stress.
What was I to do?
Buck up, I told myself, this is not about you, this is for Kam.
As the minutes ticked away I thought,  In just a minute, I'll go, just another minute.
And before I realized it, the minutes had become hours.
I had missed my chance.
Instead of feeling relieved, I felt terrible, I feel terrible.

I feel terrible about all those receptions I never went to, and for not going yesterday.

What ever made me such a wiener?

1 comment:

Brooke Ashley O'Gwin said...

I am the same way!
Even though I remember at my own wedding I LOVED seeing all my friends, new and so so old.
I still talk myself out of going every time.