Monday, November 26, 2012

Hello my name is

ruth.
But you knew that.
And that might be the extent of your knowledge. Who knows?

Mardi brought up an interesting point, one that crosses my mind quite frequently. In the blogosphere we are free to portray ourselves as whatever we'd like to be, and many times we allow ourselves to be seen as something or someone other than what or who we really are. Whether this is done intentionally or by accident is something only we know.
Sometimes I get nervous when my lovely blog friends express an interest in meeting or when I meet you by accident. Will I meet your expectations? Or will meeting me incite your desire to "unfollow"?
Try as I might, who I really am may never come across these cyber pages. And seeing how we are all changing on a daily basis it's hard to ever really pinpoint exactly who someone is. I would hate for someone to condemn me based on my past, or even my present, yet I find myself doing it to others. Horrible, I know.

With that said, I'd like to divulge some facts about myself. Things that most of you probably don't know, and that may help me feel like I'm not hiding behind this cyber curtain. Here goes:

// on days when I close at work, I usually spend my day in my room either reading, writing, or watching Hulu (incredibly unproductive, I know). And I put off doing things like bathing, brushing my teeth, eating, and getting dressed until 20 minutes before my shift starts. Cute, I know.
// my room is forever a mess. Like tsunami-style. Please don't think I'm exaggerating because I'm not. I walk on about three inches of clothes and other such things daily. I can literally count the number of times my room has been clean on one hand, and it never stays clean longer than a month or two. It drives me crazy sometimes but I get incredibly overwhelmed just thinking about cleaning my room.
// I cry when I think about having to go to the dentist for any reason (ugly, fat, sobs). I don't hate the dentist, he's actually a really nice guy, I just loath his profession. Thinking about having to get my cavities filled tomorrow has caused two outbursts in the last six days, both times at family dinner.
// in general, when it comes to crying I don't spare any tears for my pride. And under the right amount of duress, lack of sleep, too much sleep, lack of food, or after having had too much sugar I will burst over just anything. Heaving sobs and I are not strangers in fact we're best friends. I can't lie, I really like crying. It reminds me of a time when I felt very connected to myself and consequently God.
// my junior year in high school I suffered a bit of a breakdown. I don't like recounting this part of my life mainly because I feel like people think I tell them to make myself more interesting by saying so. Also because its something that still confuses me when I think about it, I wouldn't, and haven't been able to fully explain it to anyone simply because there are parts that I still don't understand.
// I can't fart. I mean, I can, but not without nearly pooping myself. For reasons I don't understand I can only shart. Burping is my salvation.
// I'm fairly certain I burp more than a normal person should, a family friend in the medical profession once suggested that I burp so much because I breathe wrong... How does one breathe wrong?
// I don't really focus much on shaving my armpits. No one ever sees them. I didn't even start to shave my armpits until I was in the ninth grade. And I only started to shave them because one of my friends pointed out another girl's hairy pits while changing for gym. I guess I just never thought about it.
// I get pegged as a Molly Mormon or The Bishop's Daughter a lot. But I don't really mind. It just used to confuse me. I'm not one of those crazy preachy people. I let people be who they be, meanwhile I enjoy being who I be. I never thought I did anything that made me out to be a goody good, but after discussing it with a few people I've realized that it's not the things I do, but the things I don't or won't do that put that makes people see me that way. I'm not perfect and I don't feel like I pretend to be either. I'm just trying everyday (ok maybe not everyday) to get a better handle on being a good person.
// I tend to be a moody whirlwind. I try to have a lid on my uglier emotions but I don't usually succeed. Bless my whole family for being sweet to me when I'm rude to them.
// I'm a holder of grudges. And dumb grudges at that. In the fifth grade this one kid threw a waterball at my face and gave me a nosebleed, do I hate him to this day? Why yes I do. I need to work on that.
// I didn't really realize it at the time, but I was bullied a lot. I was spit upon on multiple occasions, called unibrow, fat, ugly, and freak. And for a long time I let it get to me. In their defense I was an extremely swarthy child, I was on the tubby side, and until I grew into my nose a bit I was pretty much a living Penelope.
// I bleach my mustache and sideburns.
// I have interdigit hair on my fingers and toes.
// basically, I'm hairy like Bigfoot.
// I refuse to pop pimples. I just ignore them until they go away. My mom and sister both get their kicks popping other people's pimples. That makes me feel pukey.
// I'm extremely lazy and usually I tend to seriously lack motivation. I have something akin to a one track mind, I can usually only focus on improving one thing in my life at time.
// I do tend to go on and on. If you hadn't noticed. I need an off switch.
// I am aware I am not the healthiest or most fit person with the most clear complexion. These things don't really bother me, but mention them to me and I will snap your face off. I'm sensitive about it apparently. But only when you mention it...It's confusing.
// unlike a large chunk of the young female population, I don't enjoy being naked or almost naked. I like wearing pants and underwear is just what goes under my clothes, so I don't really care if it's cute or not.
// I'm not a fan of the twilight series or hunger games and I don't hate Harry Potter but I don't love it either. Generally books in a series are not really my thing.
// I've never had or struggled with depression. I get sad daily but I'm extremely fickle with my emotions. Like I said, I'm pretty moody, but that isn't confined to bad moods. I can get cheerful just as easily and suddenly as I can get peeved. It took time as well as knowing Kam and trying to understand his struggle for me to realize that some people really have that problem and that some people are just being whiny. In the past I just thought they were all whiny. I've been working on being more sensitive about it.
// I don't appreciate swearing in any situation, I won't hate you if you do, I just might be a little disappointed.
// I hate sex/racist jokes. Again I won't hate you if you tell them, I'll just be sad.
// I'm really bad at reading my scriptures. I'm trying to buckle down and read everyday. For real.
// I'm that wiener who will randomly make you order for me while I stand behind you pretending to be invisible because suddenly, I would rather the earth open up and swallow me than order myself.

I think that's all for now. There's lots more I could tell you but I can't think of anymore presently.
I realize you didn't ask to know any of these things, but I thought I'd tell you, just so you would know what you're really asking for if you want to be friends.
Just saying.

7 comments:

Kelsey said...

i hate ordering food. i don't know why. i hide behind people, whisper what i want and wont make eye contact with the cashier. its pathetic, and i feel ya.

hailey said...

i still want to be friends. yep. i did a post like this. and well, it was freeing. and i need to do another i think. basically thanks for opening up to me :)

miss mandi said...

love you.

Bethany said...

"do I hate him to this day? Why yes I do."
Why are you so cool?

Bethany said...

Also, I'm glad people like you blog.

Katie said...

I wasn't disappointed when we met in real life. Just sayin :)

Meredith said...

so basically we are the same person.
like really.
it almost scares me but not really.
especially the burping thing. i am known for my burping amongst my friends. how awfully hilarious is that.

& also you remind me of my childhood best friend. she looked like you.


anyway.
this has been awkward commenting with meredith massey.
have a nice day.