And to this I answer, no. Not at all. That might seem silly to some of you, to be so certain when the world changes everyday. Kam is changing and so am I. How could I possibly be so certain?
Well I can tell you that if you'd asked me the same question exactly a year ago I would not have been so certain.
Please understand that as much as I was certain of my feelings for Kam, the uncertainty of the future scared me. How was I to know if I was the person Kam was supposed to be with forever? I was sick about it. How could I promise I'd wait when I had no idea what was in store for me? Especially when there were others involved complicating the situation.
There was a male. A male who'd be returning from his mission almost exactly a month after Kam left. This wouldn't have been an event of too grand a consequence except for the fact that in years past there had been a strange sort of interest. And now his parents were hoping I would date him.
This would be a much longer story if I gave all the back story, and believe me there's quite a bit, so instead just know this male was in my home ward and when I was 16 (before I'd met Kam) this male had taken an interest in me in the strangest way. And despite his awkwardness I found it somewhat endearing, albeit completely confusing. Through horribly uncoordinated conversations and occasional nervous dates we came to be friends. But like I said, it was one of the most confusing situations I'd ever been in. It seemed that one minute we were friends and the next he was all thumbs, hardly speaking a word to me. I grew weary of the constant flip-flop, never knowing where we stood.
Then I met Kam. And as I built my relationship with Kameron, I hadn't even noticed this particular male's absence from my life until one day he came to my door while Kam and I sat talking on the porch. In the days before Kam, I had spent much of my time considering and reconsidering the events that occurred between this male and myself, a lot of time. It surprised me to realize it, but since meeting Kameron, he hadn't been in my mind at all, that is until he was brought back by appearing on my front walk. After that aside from that brief remembrance, he continued to be absent from my mind. Not much later he left on his mission.
In the months nearing his return, his parents chatted with my mother explaining their hopes and they each became a lot friendlier to me, talking to me any chance they got, making sure to catch my eye and say hello in church, stopping to talk to me if they saw me at work, and so on. I told Kam the whole story and whenever we ran into the male's parents on our Sunday walks, he too sensed the slight friction as they sized him up and bid us an awkward hello.
I prayed that Kam wouldn't leave on his mission until the other male had come home, even just a few days overlap would do the trick. The male would see me with Kam and choose not to bother with me. But it didn't work out that way.
In that month while Kam was gone and the other male had not yet arrived I fretted. A lot. I had never felt about anyone the way I felt about Kam, but I wasn't sure what might happen. I walked a lot and thought a lot and wrote to Kameron often.
Finally, the male was home. We ran into each other in the halls at church and my stomach tied in knots every time. About a week after he came home he made contact and he asked me to hang out with him. I was wary of the circumstances, and I continued to fret, but at that point I was sorely in need of a friend, and I hoped that perhaps he could be a friend. With this in mind, I was still on my guard.
He accompanied me to firesides and about once a week he invited me to do something with him. And I began to worry less. I liked this male, he was funny and sometimes a great friend to have around, but he was no Kam. It wasn't until after I'd spent time with someone who was interested in me (if only acutely) whom I'd had feelings for at one point that I realized there was no reason to worry. No one had ever made me feel the way Kam did.
And no one else could.
I had worried, and fretted, and tied my stomach into knots, but it was worth it because now I know with every certainty that Kam is the only one I'll ever love as much as I do. Kam is my perfect fit and he came into my life at the perfect time and we have grown together and we continue to grow together. No one could swoop in and take his place.
I've never met anyone who understood me so well, no one who I felt so free with, no one I could be myself with more than Kam. He's loved me at my worst. He knows all of my stupid quirks and annoying habits and those are some of the things he loves best about me.
Those are awfully big shoes for just anyone to fill.
And in my life Kam will always be the only one who has feet that big.
So no I don't worry.
Thank you for asking, Hutch, I've enjoyed writing this post and reflecting on this past year since Kam has been gone.
I love you guys, and I love Kam and life is good.