Thursday, May 2, 2013

May 2 day

I can teach you how to be super awkward.
It's a skill I use everyday so it's pretty much freaking honed beyond comparison.
First you have to make sure that you only have like five friends and maybe only two or three that you see on a regular basis. Then make sure that you like being alone, but ONLY when you think no one is watching. Only when there is no one around looking at you just enough to make your mind race and your palms sweat. Go ahead and assume that any new person you meet probably won't like you. When someone friendly approaches you, clearly trying to strike up a conversion, make sure that you're mind is a wasteland where tumble weeds roam and interesting things are rare. People really like it when you stutter and stumble over simple phrases, so make sure that you throw plenty of that into the jump start stalling conversation that you suddenly find yourself apart of. It's always a good idea for the things you actually decide to say to be either kurt and horridly uninteresting, or rambling and nonsensical. Always let someone else be the one to approach you, don't ever try it the other way around because chances are they're probably just being polite when they say hey and they don't actually want to talk to you because you dress like a weirdo and probably drool when you talk. But when someone asks you a question give enough time for your mind to go completely blank. Then a blank stare will automatically appear on your face, once that happens just chill for a minute, maintain eye contact and maybe blink like you have something in your eye; wait for the other person to change the subject.  When something strikes you as funny, laugh about 80 bajillion decibels too loud and make sure that whatever you're laughing at isn't actually even that humorous so to catch the other person off guard and scare the potential babies out of them. If by some chance you're in a rare mood and actually feel oddly social, randomly alternate between a southern drawl, kermit voice, creepy whispers, and inhale-talking (make sure that the kermit voice is always accompanied by squishing your neck into a double chin). Wink at people as often as possible, it makes them feel at home. Repeat the same few phrases over and over again i.e.,
"that was so funny, I wish it happened twice..."
"Your face is (insert the last part of what the other person said)"
"Haha Jk, i'm probably cool..."
or add "Probably things and stuff..." to the end of every sentence.
That stuff is pretty much pure gold.
But most importantly, blog a lot and be like "Heeeey, yeah I probably have friends and stuff and I probably do things with my life, only guess what I actually don't and I'm lame. Huzzah!"

 I know I haven't covered every aspect of being awkward, but it would certainly take a long time to go over it all. That said, if you have any questions I bet five gazzilion dollars I can answer it for you.

2 comments:

Reille K. said...

Ohhh, my goodness. I love this a lot. Always gems, your posts.

Kylie Haslam said...

Good thing this only almost exactly describes my life.