Monday, July 8, 2013

My resolve feels like it's slowly eroding

And it's probably mostly my own fault. But I can't help feeling like people lead me to it. It's been over a year and a half since Kameron left. And for the most part it's been a breeze. 
I love that people are so excited for me. That they're so excited that he's coming home. It's sweet. 
This last week has been a teensy bit rough in the missing Kam department. It seems like every time I turn around someone's asking me when he'll be home and then exclaiming how incredibly soon it is. 
I think it's giving me anxiety. 

On one hand November feels like eons from now, and these past two nights I get sad just before I go to sleep. Because suddenly Kam seems like a dream. I look through pictures of him on Facebook for hours feeling bereft. I see the pictures. I see my hand in his and I can remember it, what if felt like. But also, I can't. I can't remember what I was thinking in that moment, or what he might have been saying to me. It starts to feel like maybe it wasn't me after all. Just something I've seen so much that I think I remember it, but maybe I wasn't actually there. And for a few moments before I fall asleep it feels like ghosts. For a few moments it feels like it was too long ago to remember at all. I know that it's me, and I know that it's him, but for a few moments thinking of us feels so far away. And I miss him all the more, and my arms ache. And in those moments I wish more than anything that he were here.

On the other hand November seems like seconds away, sneaking up on me with every passing day. And I don't feel like I'm ready. I can't help but look back on the time that's passed without him and feel like I haven't accomplished much in his absence. I want to feel like I have some direction, like I'm going somewhere. So that when he finally gets here I'll have grown as a person, like he did. But I feel like a child. It doesn't feel like enough time. How can a year and a half have passed and I haven't gotten any closer to any kind of focus. I'm still floundering. 

What is happening. The calm I've felt is unraveling.
It doesn't help that its that time of month and all my crazy gets turned up a notch.

But I take deep breaths. 
It would be nice to try not to think about it for a minute. But I like to think about him. And I like to remember him. 
I tell myself the only is to take it one day at a time. I try to remember not to get ahead of myself.
And I realize that's how I've done it all this time, so it should work.

And it does.

Until the next time someone mentions how close it is...

1 comment:

Katie Fairchild said...

Sounds like you're getting what I like to call "Imaginary Boyfriend Sydrome" it's rough! I got that soo bad while Trent was gone where ya, like you said, I'd look at pictures and it just felt like a dream, not reality. And I definitely had that feeling of, "Oh my gosh, I've done nothing while he's been gone!" But really when it comes down to it, you really have! :) It may not feel like it, but good things have happened and he's going to be proud of you. Just take deep breaths, enjoy this time before he gets home and don't stress too much about the future, it all works out how it's supposed to :)