Sunday, September 8, 2013

this is bordering on dramatic

and I'm aware of it.

It's just been odd.
And I should be happy. The weather's just begun to look like my friend.
But It might be the only friend I can depend on at the moment, and September's history with fickle temperatures don't put my heart or mind at ease.

She's been showing her true colors lately, and they're not my favorite. And I can feel my heartbeat in my ears if I think about it long enough. So I choose not to, but somehow it always finds it's way back into my veins.

I don't know what I've been expecting, in fact I didn't think I was expecting anything at all and maybe that's what's thrown me for a loop. But it creeps up on me at night. Just before I go to sleep in slips under the covers with me and stays until I fall asleep, just to greet me in the morning when I wake.
It's not solid, it's a kind of vapor I think, but thick and smokey. And I'm not sure if it's trying to bring me comfort or if it's purpose it to remind me that I'm alone.
Remind me that there's no one to talk to before I go to sleep at night
no one to listen, no one to hear.
Remind me that if I were to speak aloud the only response would be the echo from the walls, the ceiling that stretches higher than I can reach.

She's changed and I'm not what she wants and she doesn't make it a secret, I think she wants me just to be like her, but she's not like herself.

He's still gone and some days it feels like it might just go on continually, I can see the destination but my wheels are spinning only kicking up the dirt and not actually going anywhere.

And I think that they think I'd rather be here, but I'm not sure if that's true. Of course it's only the beginning but in some ways it's also the end. And I think that's the thought that haunts me.
I hate endings.
Sometimes growth and progress take a backseat to comfort and happiness.

It's not the same, and that's not bad.
But I'm not great with change, and it's making the veins in my neck ache.



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