Friday, October 3, 2014

October 2 2014

She got mad at me because I told her she should apologize, and that maybe next time instead of doing what she did she might actually talk about the problem with the people involved.

She's a master in avoidance. When problems arise, rather than addressing it and trying to express herself to those involved she chooses to go and tell the "world" her warped version of the story leaving her victim(s) unable to speak or stand up for themselves.

the frustration has just become too much to bear.
At every turn she has me pinned.

This isn't the first time she has unleashed her backwards wrath upon me, this is just the first time that I've refused to back down.

I've tried talking to her. Time, and time again. But it never changes anything.
And I ask myself over and over, Why??

but it's me talking and trying to communicate, desperately trying to smooth out the knots in our string. But the second I try to figure out the source of the knot, find out where we crossed lines and tangled ourselves into oblivion, she avoids the point or simply says nothing.

She's unfriended me, She's blocked me
In all occasions where we occupy the same space, whether it be family functions or simply dropping by the house she either dashes to her room or refuses to look at me.

I'm up against a brick wall.
I'm talking to myself.

I've bent over backwards to try and make things right between us.

This time it's because I said she was wrong, and she needed to make it right.
but that's not what it's about. for almost two years now she finds any and every reason to hold against me.

And because she refuses to let me know something's up, I fail to realize something is bothering her until it's gotten bigger. And I hear about it from anyone but her.

When I hear of the problem I try to do everything I can to make things right
But each of these times she dodges the bigger questions.
I feel this is why over and over it keeps coming back in different forms.
Because we've never truly solved or even touched the real problem.

Over and over I admit to the things I've done wrong, apologize for things I shouldn't have said or things I shouldn't have done because I know I've been wrong, I know that I've hurt her. 

But I never hear it back from her 
and much of the time she was just as much as fault as I was.

I've come to realize that she refuses to take responsibility for her actions, and unless I'm willing to say that I take all the fault and grovel I'm not worth her time.

I was thinking and thinking and thinking and hurting.
It makes no sense to hold a grudge, 

it sucks out all my energy.

I know that I can't and won't get along with everyone on this planet, but I hate thinking about leaving it at this. 

I hate thinking that our situation might change if I just tried harder.
I have no intention of debasing myself in order to make things pleasant between us

but I hate to think that this is a solvable problem and I have given up on.
it hurts me.

It's been a month or so since the final incident. 

I've given her space. Given her time.
I was over it.
Maybe she was too.
I was ready to stick my neck out again.

And then I saw this:

And then I forgot everything I was thinking about.
Because my heart was beating fast and loud in my ears and my eyes were welling up.
It hurts to think that she really just doesn't care. After two solid years of being by each other's side 
On each others side, 
something somewhere changed. 
I don't know what happened but I only wish I did. 
Thinking about it makes my insides fizz, 
my head gets light and my face gets hot.
and hurt turns to anger.

and I think hers does too, but she chooses to shut me out.

All my friends were her friends.
I asked her to talk to them, 
she told me she had no interest and that she'd like me to stop talking to her now.

"Ok," I said, "Have fun burning all your bridges."

So technically she misquoted me.

my stomach hurts and my eyes burn
what do I do now?

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