Wednesday, September 30, 2015

On Christmas evenings like this...

I know. It's the last day of September and not actually Christmas.
But I'm currently listening to my own cover of Ingrid Michaelson's "When the Leaves"
this makes me sound weird and narcissistic?
Its really just because it's been so ridiculously long since I've sat down and actually played anything, and i think part of me feels as though I've forgotten how.
Which makes me feel weird and lost, in a vague and gauzy way.
I think maybe the last time i really really sat down to play was when i was recording last year's Christmas album. Which is ew and agh because its almost been a year.
What even is that?

Also, I'm finished with my apprenticeship.
Almost a month finished.
I had hoped to be licensed and working by now, or at least soon.

Thanks to things that are out of my control, I'm not.
not even close.

And this makes my stomach fill up with air and feel like I can't lay on the bed in a comfortable way.
I think I'm giving myself indigestion.

I hate that its been in the 90's lately.
Fall really needs to get its act together.
I'm taking this unseasonably warm weather personally.
Like the weather would rather i feel like I'm slowly melting away in this time of oddness and trial.
Like, how rude.

I feel like I'm not normally an anxious person.
but thats a lie because really I am.
I mean, who isn't, really?

I just mean that, I'm not usually in a position to let my anxiousness eat away at my comfort this way.
And it only ever really happens when these types of things happen.
When i would really like to be moving onward and upward, even though it means taking risks and doing new things and being scared, but I can't due to situations I cannot manipulate with my hands.
Its all in the hands of someone who doesn't concern themselves with my ability to move onward and upward.
It aches inside to feel like I'm wasting valuable time, to think that all the other achy feelings I would have gotten from being scared and trying new things might have already been over with and subsided by now were it not for these circumstances which my own hands have no grip on.

I'm not a control freak, I haven't the patience or focus for that type of thing.
but the dull roar and blurry windows in my brain surrounding my near future are making me want to break things.

I worked my buns off, especially the last three months of my apprenticeship.
and this time that I should be using get some much needed R&R is only making me feel gross and on edge.

I know that eventually things will work out and things will be alright because God has my life in His hands, but I know that it isn't magic, your life doesn't just fall into place for no reason, without any effort. And that's what gives me the anxiety, I guess. Knowing that Heavenly Father will fill in all the holes. After I build the dam to the best of my ability, He'll keep it from leaking. So, I guess that in times like these I can't help but worry that maybe I'm not doing everything I can, like somehow there was a syllabus I failed to pick up, or a laundry list of things that I'm unknowingly ignoring.

that's what it is.

1 comment:

CaLea said...

I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that Heavenly Father loves YOU and that He has a plan for you. I've learned that lesson a LOT over the past couple of years (and I just keep learning it). Sometimes it's hard to see the purpose in the struggle (because we're having a hard time!) but I know that He has a purpose and it's part of His plan. :)

You are loved.